Who knows you best? Not you, say psychologists

Posted On: May 5, 2011 - 3:30pm

Know thyself. That was Socrates' advice, and it squares with conventional wisdom. "It's a natural tendency to think we know ourselves better than others do," says Washington University in St. Louis assistant professor Simine Vazire.

But a new article by Vazire and her colleague Erika N. Carlson reviews the research and suggests an addendum to the philosopher's edict: Ask a friend. "There are aspects of personality that others know about us that we don't know ourselves, and vice-versa," says Vazire. "To get a complete picture of a personality, you need both perspectives."

It's not that we know nothing about ourselves. But our understanding is obstructed by blind spots, created by our wishes, fears, and unconscious motives—the greatest of which is the need to maintain a high (or if we're neurotic, low) self-image, research shows. Even watching ourselves on videotape does not substantially alter our perceptions—whereas others observing the same tape easily point out traits we're unaware of.

Not surprisingly, our intimates and those who spend the most time with us know us best. But even strangers have myriad cues to who we are: clothes, musical preferences, or Facebook postings. At the same time, our nearest and dearest have reasons to distort their views. After all, a boorish spouse or bullying child says something to the other spouse or parent. "We used to collect ratings from parents – and we've mostly stopped, because they're useless," notes Vazire. What such data would show: Everyone's own child is brilliant, beautiful, and charming.

Interestingly, people don't see the same things about themselves as others see. Anxiety-related traits, such as stage fright, are obvious to us, but not always to others. On the other hand, creativity, intelligence, or rudeness is often best perceived by others. That's not just because they manifest themselves publicly, but also because they carry a value judgment—something that tends to affect self-judgment. But the world is not always the harsher critic. Others tend to give us higher marks for our strengths than we credit ourselves with.

Why doesn't all this information add up to better personal and mutual understanding? People are complex, social cues are many, perceptions of others are clouded by our own needs and biases, studies show. Plus, the information isn't easy to access. "It's amazing how hard it is to get direct feedback," Vazire notes, adding that she isn't advocating brutal frankness at any cost. There are good reasons for reticence.

The challenge, then, is to use such knowledge for the good. "How can we give people feedback, and how can that be used to improve self-knowledge?" Vazire asks. "And how do we use self-knowledge to help people be happier and have better relationships?"

The first answer to these questions may be the most obvious, but not the easiest to practice: Listen to others. They may know more than you do—even about yourself.

The paper was published in Current Directions in Psychological Science.

"Know Thyself" was not Socrates. It was inscribed at the Temple of Apollo at Delphi

yes, that's true.

true

You are correct, the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was where the saying originated. However, Plato's dialogues do have Socrates quote and/or refer to the saying several times in Phaedrus, Protagoras, and Philebus. Other Socrates writers, notably Aristophanes and Xenophon, also refer to Socrates as having said it at times. It's worth noting that they never refer to Socrates as having originated the saying; in fact, Socrates himself once even refers to the saying as "the Delphic inscription." (Phaedrus)

So what I'm saying is, you're both right, but... the first comment above was incorrect in saying "Know Thyself" was not Socrates.

Know thyself was the mantra of all ancient Greeks. The saying can be found all across the region, in dialogue and carved in stone. Along with "Nothing to Excess", these sayings were guidelines to live.

Regardless of where the saying comes from, this was an interesting read. I think that it is important to be reminded sometimes that we do not have perfect self images. That there is much in our environment that helps us know ourselves. This can help us be better people.

This was an interesting piece of information, ill give you that. And im not tying to put it down at all i really appreciate that somebody has taken an outside look on the human ego and self image. however, i have had 8 different therapists (go ahead and stop reading if that makes me crazy) and they have all tried to prescribe me a a pill before actually fixing the problem. If you must know, i have depression and anxiety. But these disorders can be dealt with by coping with them mentally. I am 19 years old and these therapists were trying to hook me on concerta an ritalin before i turned 15. It really made me think that maybe i wasnt in their best interest, and that i was just a paycheck they could manipulate. Consider this my own bias point of view, but therapists are nothing but $$ hungry strangers waiting for their shift to end. You are very correct that the people who surround us daily and our facebook network knows us best. This is unfortunately because it is human nature to judge one and other. We talk shit on each other in groups and have a collective sense of what everybody thinks about everybody. its a way of confirming that the image you have of somebody else is correct. Therapists have to keep their information confidential, therefore its a possibility that they are completely wrong without the confirmation of others. it is group effort.

Its both sad and good that you recognize that these people who claim to want to help you wouldn't if they weren't getting paid. All they want to do is make you fit into a box and that would depress anyone, even a US Marine. Their concept of normalcy is what someone else crammed into THEIR heads, so how would they even know? They are the ones who blindly believe what they were told, so congratys for being different. And if people only love you if you conform to a preconceived concept of normalcy, do they really care about YOU?

First of all, therapists cannot prescribe - only psychiatrists can. If you were seeing psychiatrists and were complaining that they were trying to prescribe, well, yeah, that's pretty much all psychiatrists DO. Therapists, on the other hand, DO attempt to give people better coping skills and mechanisms for dealing with the issues in their head.

I, for example, have seen three therapists and two psychiatrists in the last six months. I have a diagnosis of bipolar II, but I also almost certainly have social anxiety disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. My psychiatrist did not prescribe me a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant because she was trying to "fit me in a box" - she was giving me medications that made me much, much more able to cope with my mental illnesses (skills I am learning through therapy) than I otherwise would have been. My life was a mess before I got on lithium, and it would be that way if I went back on it.

Although they are being paid, psychiatrists and therapists both have rather objective viewpoints of you. They are not your friends, family, or acquaintances. They have no idea how those people perceive you, and only know what you tell them and what they observe. Using those two perspectives, they form their perception of you and figure out the best ways to get through to you so that you can begin to make positive changes in your life.

The fact that you saw so many people, who appear to have been mostly psychiatrists, while you were a minor, tells me that your parents were a bit too involved and/or your anxiety made you somewhat paranoid about people who were actually legitimately trying to help you. You seem to have switched psychiatrists every time you thought they were a greedy capitalist pig. I am pretty sure that you were not as open with them as you should have been, and that they tried to give you the wrong medications for your symptoms because you were not very upfront with them about what was actually happening to you. Ritalin for depression and anxiety is not the best choice at ALL, so they probably thought you had an entirely different sort of problem. This is why it's important to be as honest as possible with mental health professionals.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but please don't try to say that all of those people are in it for the money. Considering all psychiatrists are MDs, they could be in far more lucrative fields (specialists make roughly $350,000 a year) than the one they chose to go into because they have a passion for the subject matter. They are definitely intelligent enough to have done so. And therapists are usually extremely caring people who want to help others - and many of them have mental health problems themselves, so they do actually know how you feel.

next time start with the fact that you're 19 and being prescribed drugs. Also, slap your parents and leave wherever you are. Seriously, get out of your world and go to a different one without holding onto the whole disorder shtick, we all get sad and we all get nervous. Learning how to deal with and fix that is a part of being a human in this world, and pills are definitely not the answer. Finding who you are in this instance is going to start with stepping away from people telling you about yourself and you figuring it out on your own. Buck up, life is a bitch and the fact your family has money for 8 therapists means you should be ecstatic to not be upset or depressed about real issues like finding a meal or figuring out where you're going to sleep tonight. I'm just saying...

LionO, we are not all the same, and some people DO go under/ARE broken if not given extra, sometimes pharmaceutical assistance. Traits are not evenly distributed among all people, and neither are disorders such as anxiety or depression [which are distinct from ordinary 'nerves' or sadness]. It is naive in the extreme as well as arrogant to suggest that your experience is mirrored in that of every other person. Pills actually are the answer in some cases. However I suggest you put your money where your ignorant mouth is and try living with or as an unmedicated schizophrenic. Hoping the black dog takes your throat out for your complacency :)

"Hoping the black dog takes your throat out for your complacency :)"

Why should they be killed, instead of learning? Violence and death are NOT the first line option for everything. Why such narrow thinking?

you're wrong in thinking that they were wrong for encouraging you to start psychotropic medication. In the psychology world medication is not seen as the "answer" to problems but an element of the treatment process. Most people who seek the help of a professional therapist are struggling to function in daily life in the state that they are in, therefore how are we supposed to expect them to be able to work through their problems if they can't meet the days requirements to begin with? There is concrete evidence that suggests that there are physiological pathologies in the brain that are associated with anxiety and depression (whether or not they are the cause or just an effect of the disorder can be disputed). Most people who claim that all psychologists want is your money and to feed you a pill so they don't have to do any work either have never studied psychology in their lives, never been to a psychologist, or are plain ignorant.

Excellent, I'll say the same thing if I could put it any more simple.

Hm, I disagree. Perhaps I'm being stubborn but I still believe I know myself far more than others could. I'm sure I have traits that I don't always notice, but that's because it's who I am. I don't think I have to recognize every little thing I do to know myself more than others. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this!

Actually, I'm pretty sure the article mentions that you'll be likely to disagree BECAUSE we all think we know ourselves better than anyone else. Therefore, you're proving the point!

maybe the real answer is a happy medium as is the answer with most things in this life. be honest with yourself and you will know yourself and at least keep your mind open to what others have to say about you as they may have some insight that our egos will not allow us to see.
therapy is good for a session or 2 if it gets you thinking and makes you insightful, after than it is a business for that hourly fee and to prescribe drugs and keep you coming back. just my opinion. maybe if people were given more confidence to belive in themselves they would need to keep going back to therapy. Therapists want to you second guess yourself for life so you will keep coming back

Psalm 139:1-4

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

It is incredibly ignorant to post anything regarding religion on a website called "Science Codex."
Please take your bigot christianity elsewhere. Thank you :)

This is the most ignorant and bigoted comment i've seen on the web in months. You seem fragile, angry and paranoid - threatened by a stranger's peace of mind - "the wicked flee when no man pursues". The original comment was relevant to the article.

I second this motion.

When someone says they have an imaginary friend they are considered crazy.

When many people have the same imaginary friend they are considered religious.

Please prove your point with something that has a basis of logic, not "religion"

While I think the fact that you're using religious material (i.e. a subjective argument written without scientific support or review) should dismiss this argument, I'm more tempted to mention that this has nothing to do with the present argument, unless you are pointing out that "LORD", being not "I", supports the argument that others know you more than you know yourself. Even still, it's akin to using a high school paper to support a doctorate thesis.

From my point of view i would have to say that we see ourselves differently then others see us, and not that they know us better. We may have traits that we define ourselves as because we do them so vary often that we think that it defines us to others, but to our friends and loved ones that trait is not translated into a characteristic that others relate to our person. Then there are other habits and things that we ourselves dont pick up on, I have a habit of constantly playing w/ my hair, it wasnt until my father pointed it out that i noticed how much i actually do it. When we are being observed by others like friends, therapists/psychologists, etc. they are noticing habits and ticks that we do that we ourselves do not pick up on.
so what im trying to say is that yes, others may know us better then we know ourselves to the degree that they are observing characteristics that THEY define us as who we are.
But what they do not know is who we define ourselves as.
the difference being that these two personalities (one being portrayed to a friend, and one being conceived to ourselves) are essential two very different people.
(IN my Opinion)

This article is crap. Nothing but fluff. No substance... as usual... in any article regarding identity from the psychological community.

It was published in Current Directions in Psychological Science? Ha!

If you want to truly understand the direction of psychological science, take a look at a new model of psychological understanding that includes a new definition of ego, some thick black line definitions around each of the emotions, and works with all humans regardless of age, ethnicity, cultural, cognitive differences, etc.

You can find it on the I AM Podcast on iTunes (from episode 4 - 25).

In fact, if you can prove the new model wrong (and not by opinion of "professionals" using the old clueless model), I'll give you $1000 cash.

BTW... "Know Thyself" means "seek spiritual enlightenment" that comes from within and reveals the identity that is beyond ego.

Too long, didn't read. Problem? XD

If we all just tripped on Psilocybin, we wouldn't have to worry about all this stuff :D We all need a good ego death once in a while.

Hey, even a good dissociative such as MXE goes a long way in treating a mild case of Social Anxiety Disorder. Take it from me, I know from experience :) Once I get my phd, I'm studying that shit :D Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

John Hopkins whoot whoot

The crux of the article can be found in the source's title. Currently the rise of the disembodied social self is a phenomena reaching into most social situations, and therefore a 'current' topic of interest to psychologists and sociologists. What others think of the self is an important source of information when examining pseudo characters or avatars that more and more people are creating for themselves in the Internet.
The stated purpose: "The challenge, then, is to use such knowledge for the good. "How can we give people feedback, and how can that be used to improve self-knowledge?" Vazire asks. "And how do we use self-knowledge to help people be happier and have better relationships?" is best suited for those people dealing with online, perhaps fictional beings, that they encounter on there sojourns into the web.
Also, the phrase 'know thyself' has been ascribed to a dozen or so ancient thinkers, and Socrates is probably the most famous.
At any rate, the article is more useful to people who are worrying about how they are perceived online than to people who are dealing with each other in the traditional setting.

In one aspect at least they will not get accurate results. If they expect to judge personality by the clothing worn, ask a a fat person IF they are wearing garments which reflect their taste.

Ninety nine percent will tell you they are wearing "this thing" because that's all they can find to fit, in the shops.

Fat people have never had the privilege of being able to choose from the millions of different garments made for thinner people and as long as there are stupid and bigoted people who feel that getting thin is easy, there won't BE any choice.
Lack of choice is, along with pain, used to make fat people suffer in the belief that if they suffer enough, they'll lose weight. Barbaric, moronic but dreadfully true.

This is nuts. People know themselves just fine, It whether or not they are willing to admit to that knowledge that is in question.

This has been a well known element for some time in knowledge elicitation for Expert Systems. An expert does not fully understand how he/she arrives at a conclusion. Through introspection you would expect them to do so but all too often they do not, the need elicitation methods to get down to it.

Psychology - the Freudian delusion. What Vazire (obviously too embarrassed to give full name) and colleague Erika N. Carlson fail to mention is that we all know this already (that is if we do not have some kind of brain injury or trauma . . . something most often overlooked in the field of psychology!)
Hopefully these two didn't eat up too much funding from the public purse . . . and if so it should all be reimbursed . . . pronto!!!
None of us can assess anything until we are fully self-aware, otherwise we just operate on the auto-pilot of our 'nurture/nature' experience. Namely, if others had that same experience they would more than likely have the same life outcomes.
What makes us unique, and able to assess ourself, is knowing that it is the 'nurture/nature' experience that we have had and have in the 'now' moment, that makes us who we are . . . and once we know that we can 'tinker' at the edges of our 'personality' . . . with it almost being impossible to alter the 'big picture' of the being that we are because of our experiences.

There is an (old) but interesting book on exactly this topic, called 'strangers to ourselves'. In it are many examples of experiments where people demonstrate to have very little insight into themselves even though they believe they do. So what's the news, exactly?
http://www.amazon.com/Strangers-Ourselves-Discovering-Adaptive-Unconscious/dp/0674013824/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320690209&sr=8-1

You know who knows us best? GOD. Jeez, get a grip.

I can't believe you posted that. Lmao!

"know others" is more important than "know thyself"

I like the part about what kinds of information others are more apt to be objective about. Its absolutely true that many of us do tend to judge ourselves too harshly where our the most glowing sides of ourselves are concerned. And we are not the most accurate critics when it comes to things we find hard to admit about ourselves. For those things, we double-talk ourselves like crazy. One set of instincts make us sense deep within ourselves that they are true. But another set of instincts easily prompt us to deny negative but accurate things, especially when we have a good motive for not seeing the truth. Putting it all to good use often means just stop fooling ourselves.

I think what you really are is not just how you see yourself but consider also how other people see you.

You're all gay. Know that!!

If we really think about it, we know everything about oneself but we choose to portray what other people see in us only because we allow it.

The Psychologists whoever they may be know that already and this might be a study to learn more of the self awareness we have and you guys have just become lab mice.

People need to stop assuming things and move on.

You live in a society to exist not for one self but for others.

I live in a society govern by the laws of the land but follow my own sense of society, my religion.

All of us wants to change the world but no one wants to change themselves.

Everyone is a hypocrite !

The article seems interesting, however I cannot read it while there's an annoying ad blinking on a corner of my screen.

Who knows you best? Not you, say psychologists

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